Thursday afternoon, I walked into my boss' office, and little did I know, but that barely 5 minutes later, I would quit and walk out of her office extremely angry.
Worst timing ever.
But you see, I think at the age where Im at, with the experience ve had at different times and jobs, Ive grown to learn alot about myself. My self-esteem has grown immeasurably. I know that I do my job right and well, and that I deserve to be treated with respect, as a human being. Which wasnt the case, for more than a year. So I finally stood up for myself and said that I had had enough. I deserve better than this. It was picking between money, and between my self-worth. And I picked my self-worth the exact mopment when I said I QUIT and walked out.
Am I worried? Yes. Definetly. But I am also confident in my skills and abilities, and finding a job, ANY job, shouldnt be that hard. I would honestly work at McD's flipping burgers rather than degrade myself. I feel in my heart and soul that I made the right choice. Now I have to have faith, pray, and trust.
Trust in Jeff to be strong. Trust in myself and the choices I make. Trust in the Lord that He will provide, and that everything will work out, even better, if I just listen to what He has to say. I am at peace with this decision.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
If there was ever a prayer in song, it would be this
Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me
But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me
But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
- M&S
Monday, October 15, 2012
Marriage and a prayer
Lord, please mold me into exactly the wife that my husband needs. Whatever that is, whoever she is, help me always make him understand how much I love him, let me always remember my love for him, let me be strong when he needs support, thankful and grateful for everything he brings to my life. Let us grow together to become better and holier people than we could ever have been on our own. Let me be enough for him, and let him be enough for me, always. Amen.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
5 years
This is how we celebrated.
I had planned to make one of his favorites meals, beef stew. Long story short, that didnt work. This morning, in a rush and semi-late-panic, I remembered to pull something out of the freezer for supper. The nearest thing ended up being hamburger patties. So we had cheeseburgers for supper. They were delicious.
Accompanied by a mixing bowl full of ceasar salad. Just lettuce and cucumbers, because thats what we could afford to buy on the go of this non-pay week with three birthdays (my mom, step-dad, and sister) in it. Also, we basically survived on that back in our skinny days of non-work gypsy living, so the salad was sentimental. :)
Jeff got to cheat with his favortie naughty beverage. And I took a few sips.
Best part? I worked much later than anticipated and had literally no time to make something better than oxygen for dessert. Jeff picked up a cake and decorated it. I love him.
I had planned to make one of his favorites meals, beef stew. Long story short, that didnt work. This morning, in a rush and semi-late-panic, I remembered to pull something out of the freezer for supper. The nearest thing ended up being hamburger patties. So we had cheeseburgers for supper. They were delicious.
Accompanied by a mixing bowl full of ceasar salad. Just lettuce and cucumbers, because thats what we could afford to buy on the go of this non-pay week with three birthdays (my mom, step-dad, and sister) in it. Also, we basically survived on that back in our skinny days of non-work gypsy living, so the salad was sentimental. :)
Jeff got to cheat with his favortie naughty beverage. And I took a few sips.
Best part? I worked much later than anticipated and had literally no time to make something better than oxygen for dessert. Jeff picked up a cake and decorated it. I love him.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Unfulfilled Longing
What does it feel like, in your belly?
What does it feel like, in your heart and soul?
To know that you carry the most precious thing in the world?
How does your brain work, your eyes see, your hands touch
When you know you think/see/touch for two?
What does his face look like when you tell him?
What do his eyes look like when he puts his hands on your bump
And know that's part of him in there?
What are your very first thoughts, when you learn?
Are you afraid, joyous, anxious, bursting with sunshine?
What does it feel like to be in love with your own creation?
What does it feel like to carry a little tiny thing that is completely innocent?
What does it feel like, that moment, that one singular moment
When you hear its voice, its own little voice
For the first time? When you hold it for the first time?
When you look into its eyes, into its pure soul, for the first time?
What does that love feel like?
How do you not burst with feeling?
How do you let anyone else but your lover hold and care for that precious tiny bundle?
How can you go to sleep at night without irrational anxiety?
What is like to have a child?
What does it feel like, in your heart and soul?
To know that you carry the most precious thing in the world?
How does your brain work, your eyes see, your hands touch
When you know you think/see/touch for two?
What does his face look like when you tell him?
What do his eyes look like when he puts his hands on your bump
And know that's part of him in there?
What are your very first thoughts, when you learn?
Are you afraid, joyous, anxious, bursting with sunshine?
What does it feel like to be in love with your own creation?
What does it feel like to carry a little tiny thing that is completely innocent?
What does it feel like, that moment, that one singular moment
When you hear its voice, its own little voice
For the first time? When you hold it for the first time?
When you look into its eyes, into its pure soul, for the first time?
What does that love feel like?
How do you not burst with feeling?
How do you let anyone else but your lover hold and care for that precious tiny bundle?
How can you go to sleep at night without irrational anxiety?
What is like to have a child?
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Cleaning out closet and life
I was cleaning out my closet, and putting away the spring & summer clothes, when I fell on a shirt I had squirelled away from ages past. And by ages past, I mean from 6-8 years ago. The shirt is made of black velvet, extremely low cut, had the red anarchy A patch, strategic holes where I had sewn chains, and ludicrous pentacles galore.
You see, when I turned 16, I went through a goth/punk phase for a few years, which transmuted into my skank phase later on. There are very little pictures of me, I think my grandmother is the only one in possesion of one, actually. IMO, the less evidence, the better.
Back to the shirt, I had completely forgotten that I had kept this shirt, and essentially hidden it away. Having it fall in my hands was like an instant flashback. I compared that shirt to the rest of my wardrobe. Stark difference. I had, have, and probably always will have this tendency and preference for dark and especially black clothing. And that is where the differences stop.
I dont own any more low cut shirts. I dont own any more velvet shirt. Purposely ripped clothing has been replaced by wear tears, and chains have been replaced by mending thread. There are no more A's, there are no more pentacles. I would never wear this shirt, not as a costume or as a joke. This shirt belongs to someone else.
Epiphany, of a kind. Ive been strugging for the past year about taking those two paths, which is how I feel my mind, soul, and heart have been divided. Old Cynthia vs New Cynthia. Goth skank vs modest wife. Rebellious anger vs prayerful intent. Will to force change vs will to upkeep & create.
But seeing that shirt, and knowing I couldnt even fathom wearing it anywhere, ever, forced me to look at things like they were. I can feel some sorrow, yes, about not being the same 16 year old anymore. But I cannot be that 16 year old, because I took her and evolved her into something so much better. I still have that passion for change, but I channel it into something completely different.
Im a responsible adult. I have the right to drink, gamble, own & drive a car, get into and out of debt, vote, I have complete control over every aspect of my personal life. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, and should I be so blessed maybe one day God will see fit to give me children. But for now, I have the awesome responsibility to be a replacement mother for 8 beautiful 2 year olds. I challenge and get challenged in ways previosuly unthought.
Why in the world would I mourn Old Cynthia, when she is part of New Cynthia, just less angry at the world?
You see, when I turned 16, I went through a goth/punk phase for a few years, which transmuted into my skank phase later on. There are very little pictures of me, I think my grandmother is the only one in possesion of one, actually. IMO, the less evidence, the better.
Back to the shirt, I had completely forgotten that I had kept this shirt, and essentially hidden it away. Having it fall in my hands was like an instant flashback. I compared that shirt to the rest of my wardrobe. Stark difference. I had, have, and probably always will have this tendency and preference for dark and especially black clothing. And that is where the differences stop.
I dont own any more low cut shirts. I dont own any more velvet shirt. Purposely ripped clothing has been replaced by wear tears, and chains have been replaced by mending thread. There are no more A's, there are no more pentacles. I would never wear this shirt, not as a costume or as a joke. This shirt belongs to someone else.
Epiphany, of a kind. Ive been strugging for the past year about taking those two paths, which is how I feel my mind, soul, and heart have been divided. Old Cynthia vs New Cynthia. Goth skank vs modest wife. Rebellious anger vs prayerful intent. Will to force change vs will to upkeep & create.
But seeing that shirt, and knowing I couldnt even fathom wearing it anywhere, ever, forced me to look at things like they were. I can feel some sorrow, yes, about not being the same 16 year old anymore. But I cannot be that 16 year old, because I took her and evolved her into something so much better. I still have that passion for change, but I channel it into something completely different.
Im a responsible adult. I have the right to drink, gamble, own & drive a car, get into and out of debt, vote, I have complete control over every aspect of my personal life. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, and should I be so blessed maybe one day God will see fit to give me children. But for now, I have the awesome responsibility to be a replacement mother for 8 beautiful 2 year olds. I challenge and get challenged in ways previosuly unthought.
Why in the world would I mourn Old Cynthia, when she is part of New Cynthia, just less angry at the world?
Sunday, September 16, 2012
My love of soup
Ah, soup. The perfect lunch (or supper). I love all soups, and I can eat even my most detested vegetables (which, now that I think about it, isn't that many) in a pureed soup version and relish every minute of it.
Ive finally figured out that an easy way to have lunch on the go ready is to make a few batches of soup (or chili, stew, that kind of consistency) and freeze it in portion sized containers. The night before, I take out a container and BAM finished. That plus any leftovers means whole weeks of easy lunches. For example, in the freezer right now, I have carrot ginger soup, cream of broccoli and cauliflower, and am about to make roasted red pepper and tomato soup. Both of those things, might I add, were bought fresh, roasted or peeled/de-seeded and then frozen, which makes this recipe that much faster. If you don't have the tomatoes pre-prepped, follow these instructions on how to do them, and these instructions on how to roast peppers. It is not necessary to make a good soup to have either of those things done, but be prepared for the little hard skin sticks from the tomatoes, and the roasted part just adds extra smokiness.
Ingredients
butter & o.o.
1 large red or Spanish onion
3-6 minced garlic cloves
about 2.5 lbs tomatoes (I had a mix of Roma and Heirloom)
2-3 roasted red peppers, de-seeded
1-2 cups of broth
freshly cracked pepper
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
couple shakes of hot sauce
So the first thing you want to do is to grossly slice up that onion in half rings, and start to caramelize it in a pot in which the butter and the o.o. have been melted. The heat should be at med-low, to ensure you do not burn the onions. Frequently stir them until the are translucent and brownish in color. Should your onions start to burn, lower your heat and stir more often. If they should stick, scrape up the brown bits at the bottom with a wooden spoon. Those are tasty bits, as long as its not burnt. This took about 15-20 mns. Once they look like this, your done.
.JPG)
Next is to incorporate the garlic. Roast for another few minutes. Add the broth and bring up the heat to medium.
Add the peppers and tomatoes, paprika, Worcestershire sauce, pepper. Let that whole mixture bubble away, for about 10 minutes, then transfer to a blender and blast until completely smooth. The soup is creamy and thick, deliciously smokey, and such a beautiful bright red orange, you know just by looking how delicious it is. Now is the time to taste it, and if you'd like, add some hot sauce. I usually add a couple of shakes because I like that extra bite.
I'm not an expert on fat content and caloric content, but I would be willing to bet that it is both low fat and low calorie, should that be something you are looking for. In any case, its high flavor, which is what counts for me! The rest is just an added bonus!
Ive finally figured out that an easy way to have lunch on the go ready is to make a few batches of soup (or chili, stew, that kind of consistency) and freeze it in portion sized containers. The night before, I take out a container and BAM finished. That plus any leftovers means whole weeks of easy lunches. For example, in the freezer right now, I have carrot ginger soup, cream of broccoli and cauliflower, and am about to make roasted red pepper and tomato soup. Both of those things, might I add, were bought fresh, roasted or peeled/de-seeded and then frozen, which makes this recipe that much faster. If you don't have the tomatoes pre-prepped, follow these instructions on how to do them, and these instructions on how to roast peppers. It is not necessary to make a good soup to have either of those things done, but be prepared for the little hard skin sticks from the tomatoes, and the roasted part just adds extra smokiness.
Ingredients
butter & o.o.
1 large red or Spanish onion
3-6 minced garlic cloves
about 2.5 lbs tomatoes (I had a mix of Roma and Heirloom)
2-3 roasted red peppers, de-seeded
1-2 cups of broth
freshly cracked pepper
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
couple shakes of hot sauce
So the first thing you want to do is to grossly slice up that onion in half rings, and start to caramelize it in a pot in which the butter and the o.o. have been melted. The heat should be at med-low, to ensure you do not burn the onions. Frequently stir them until the are translucent and brownish in color. Should your onions start to burn, lower your heat and stir more often. If they should stick, scrape up the brown bits at the bottom with a wooden spoon. Those are tasty bits, as long as its not burnt. This took about 15-20 mns. Once they look like this, your done.
.JPG)
Next is to incorporate the garlic. Roast for another few minutes. Add the broth and bring up the heat to medium.
Add the peppers and tomatoes, paprika, Worcestershire sauce, pepper. Let that whole mixture bubble away, for about 10 minutes, then transfer to a blender and blast until completely smooth. The soup is creamy and thick, deliciously smokey, and such a beautiful bright red orange, you know just by looking how delicious it is. Now is the time to taste it, and if you'd like, add some hot sauce. I usually add a couple of shakes because I like that extra bite.
I'm not an expert on fat content and caloric content, but I would be willing to bet that it is both low fat and low calorie, should that be something you are looking for. In any case, its high flavor, which is what counts for me! The rest is just an added bonus!
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