A sign

You know how you always hear people ask God for a sign? Well Im no different, and have asked Him on multiple occasions for some sort of visible sign that I was doing it right. And to be completely honest, although I know it to be a childish and illogical thing to do, in moments of weakness Ive thought about my father and asked him for help/ a sign that he was still with me. Always, of course, the two of them never answered. Directly, anyways.

Yesterday, something happened that I dont even know how to explain. Too many things happened for it to be just a coincidence (of which I dont believe, anyways). I am going to write it down, because I need to share, but I understand how hard it is to believe, so free to you to make your decision on the validity of what I am writing.

So we decided to go see Life of Pi yesterday night. By we I mean J and I along with his younger brother and his girlfriend, and one of our friends. Weve been anticipating seeing that movie for awhile, but had never gotten around to it. So we 5 drove all the way to Kirkland. I remember the roads being what normally passes as Qc winter roads. I am alkways a bit nervous when driving, so I always tell my backseat passengers to make sure they wear their seatbelts. Anyways we got to the movie fine, and left the theatre around 12:15am.

A little sidenote at how incredible that movie was. Probably one of the most beautiful movies Ive ever seen, and so deeply moving. I highly reccommend it to anyone that needs a good thinker.

So we left the theatre, and noticed it had been and was still lightly snowing. It was Jeff's turn to drive. Not having lost anyone to road accidents, and never having been in an accident himself, Jeff is much more confident than I on the roads. To the point it makes me look like a nag because I always tell him to slow down, slow down, slow down. The entire journey home I felt so stressed, my back was rigid, and I kept seeing death everywhere. When he took that turn a bit too sharply, when he drifted a bit there, when oncoming cars seemed to not want to put on their breaks early enough. I'm usually mildly paranoid, but last night was worst then ever. My stomach kept feeling clenched, as if in readiness. During the drive I told the people in the back to make sure they had their seat belts on, three times. I kept telling Jeff to slow down, over and over again.

Then we got on the Mercier. I swear to you, to anyone who would hear me, that I knew I was going to die on that bridge. I looked at the waters and imagined what it would be like to plunge. It sounds macabre, but I have no other way to explain the state of mind I was in. My breathing was accelerated, I was squeezing Jeff's hand so hard he turned to me and told me to calm down. I knew something was going to happen, but I just couldn't explain it.

Then my muscles relaxed, my breathing slowed, and I let go. I said to God that if this was supposed to be the time that I/we were going to die, then there was nothing I could do about it, and that I thanked Him for what he had given me. And then, as we passed the left exit to go to Kahnawake, and took that sharp turn to get into Chateauguay, Jeff lost control of the car.

I don't remember exactly what happened to the car. All I remember is the car drifting, suddenly jolting to the right, right into the side barrier. We hit that with a bang, the force drove the car backwards into an almost 360. Then we were blocking the road, we were horizontal to its vertical sides. We were close enough to the bend that should a car have come, it wouldn't have had time to slow down, we would have gotten rammed with whatever speed they were going at. Jeff had to reverse and move forward twice before we could continue down the road.

Nobody in the car spoke. All we could hear was breathing. Harsh and frightened. Then we started to laugh. How did we survive that? How were there no other cars around us when we first lost control, when there were plenty when we came on the bridge? How did we not crash hard enough into the railing that our car be more damaged (the front bumper is completely cracked), or that the huge bank on the side toppled us over? And especially, how were there no cars to come behind us on the bend and hit us?

How was I thinking those thoughts exactly before the accident?

And just to prove a point already made it seemed, Die Young from Ke$ha comes on the radio. And then the three in the back admit that they hadn't been wearing their seat belts.

Now maybe I'm just seeing things, or I was thinking that due to tiredness, or I'm just exaggerating, I dint see it that way. Ive written it down exactly how I remember it, and I choose to take it as a sign. A sign of many things.

But especially, a sign of God's love and His benevolence. I, we, are alive.

Thank You Lord.

Trust Issues

A relationship must have absolute trust as one of its founding stones, that is something that most everyone would agree on. What trust means, what it entails, differs from couple to couple.

For example, I know a 'married' couple (I put married in quotations, because they were married using a pagan ceremony that isnt recognized as official) who are open to having multiple partners throughout their lives. In fact, the bride composed and sang a song to her groom about her blessing and accepting any future partners he would find. Every other couple has its own distinctions as to what is cheating, and what is acceptable.

I remember having this discussion with a bunch of girlfriends awhile back. It was the general consensus that touching was forbidden, but looking and talk/flirt was accepted. Because, and I quote, everybody does it.

Really?

You see, all this reflexion was brought upon by two people in my training class that I sit next to, and so hear everything they say. They are very obviously flirting with their words, their eyes, and their eyes, without ever touching. Which is fine, except for the fact that one of them is engaged. Now, far be it from me that I would ever express my discomfort with the way they act. I would never just saunter up to her, and say Hey! Is that attitude really appropriate for a soon to be married person? Or to him and say Hey! Would you be cool if some guy tried to woo your girlfriend knowing full well she was taken?

So I keep all my judgments to myself, and try to squash them, because really, who am I to judge you?

But at the same time, this has brought upon me a realization that my definition of <cheating> has changed. I now define cheating as anything I wouldnt do in front of J with a member of either sex. Words, glances, anything that I wouldnt do with J sitting right next to me, is something that has become innapropriate for me to do with anyone. Because, really, if I cant do it with him being right there, why would I do it at all? And vice versa of course.

The most important relationship in my life, apart from the one I have with God, is the one with my husband. It is up to me to keep the vows I said when I was married in every sense of the term, and never do anything that would break the sanctity of those vows. That doesnt mean never doing anything J doesnt want me to (were both extremely stubborn) but it means making sure I am the most trustworthy wife I could ever be, with my thoughts and actions and words.

Just another little nudge from God, I suppose. :)

An exercise in humility

I have some pretty epic failures. In all aspects of life. Especially following rules. For example:

Can. 1251 Abstinence from meat, or from some other food as determined by the Episcopal Conference, is to be observed on all Fridays, unless a solemnity should fall on a Friday. Abstinence and fasting are to be observed on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

For the life of me, I can never abstain completely from meat on Friday. I try so hard, and start off the day really determined to do what I have to do to get through the day meat-less. And the worst is that I LOVE fish, beans, lentils, legumes, everything a vegetarian would recommend eating. And yet, by the end of the night, I end up with a mouthful (or more) of some delicious animal flesh. Sometimes, it happens by mistake, and I remember as I swallow Im not supposed to be eating this. Other times, I have a 2.5 seconds of hesitation before stuffing myself.

I also dont go to church every Sunday. There are some real excuses, thanfully most of the times, that are legit. Like sickness, unavoidable work, etc. Other times, Im just being lazy and blame my tardiness on my purposely lowered alarm. Lame sauce right there.

I STILL havent been to 'real' confessional, because, to be quite frank, Im terrified of being completely accountable for my actions. Im scared of what comes during, and after. Receiving the Host of Christ? Shocking and terrifying.

I lie and cheat, more frequently than I like.

I give in to bad cravings all the time and exercise never.

I pray two days out of three. I dont have time to dust, and forgotten clothes stay in the dryer more often than I care to admit. Also, I forget about leftovers in the fridge and only remember them when they start moving.

I yell LOUDLY at J instead of being understanding. I get frustrated at him for failings in myself. So not cool.

I am bound to fail again and again. Depressing, no? But then I just play this on repeat.

We're the reflection of imperfection,
We come from the infinite place of limitation.
Rejoice in these days, make a correction,
We're the completion.

-Matisyahu

All Saints Day/Toussaint (A prayer and a recipe!)

How shining and splendid are your gifts, O Lord
which you give us for our eternal well-being
Your glory shines radiantly in your saints, O God
In the honour and noble victory of the martyrs.
The white-robed company follow you,
bright with their abundant faith;
They scorned the wicked words of those with this world's power.
For you they sustained fierce beatings, chains, and torments,
they were drained by cruel punishments.
They bore their holy witness to you
who were grounded deep within their hearts;
they were sustained by patience and constancy.
Endowed with your everlasting grace,
may we rejoice forever
with the martyrs in our bright fatherland.
O Christ, in your goodness,
grant to us the gracious heavenly realms of eternal life.

Unknown author, 10th century

 

 

Ive only recently started to learn a bit more about ASD, which if I understand correctly, is the RC version of Sunday of All Saints, that us Orthodox celebrate at a different date. Seeing as how Ive communicated my confusion about whether I practice more as a Catholic than an Orthodox, Ive thought it would be important for me to learn, pray, and observe as much as possible on both sides of the fences. Is this wrong? Hopefully, it doesn't offend anyone in either branch, and if it does, yall just gonna have to deal with it. So the more I learn, the more I wonder at how this day of all Holy Days was just plain forgotten by what it seems most barely practising or non-practising but 'spiritual' Catholics. Really? A day to commemorate all those people past that were an example through one way or another, a day to pray specially all those souls in purgatory, just gone from the general public's memory? How sad.

 

So I am looking up different customs, and there is a diverse array from all over the world. In Czechoslovakia, there is an old tradition of eating special cakes on All Souls' Eve, and of drinking cold milk "to cool the souls in Purgatory." Another from Belgium refers to these special cakes again, and the more one eats of them, the more souls are released from Purgatory. And this song, sung in English towns by maids, for special cakes, once again:

 

Soul! soul! for a soul-cake!
I pray, good misses a soul-cake--
An apple or pear, a plum or a cherry,
Any good thing to make us merry,
One for Peter, two for Paul,
Three for Him who made us all.
 

So, these cakes seem to be pretty persistant throughout these traditions. Pretty much a big blinking arrow indicating I should try my hand at them. But, as a side note, I found this blog with tons of cute, some almost gag-worthy cute, ideas for ASD parties. So back to my soul cakes, Im going to be trying this recipe from an awesome blog called Catholic Cuisine. Should be very tasty! Jeff is completely on board with the idea of soul-cakes, for some reason.. LOL!

 

Cake Doughnuts

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 T. baking powder
1/2 t. salt
1 t. ground cinnamon
1/4 t. ground nutmeg
1 cup milk
1 egg
1/4 cup butter, melted and cooled
1 t. vanilla extract
oil for frying

1/2 t. ground cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar

In a large bowl, stir together the flour, first measure of sugar, baking powder,
salt, first measure of cinnamon and nutmeg.
Make a well in the center and pour in the milk, egg, butter, and vanilla.
Mix until blended.
Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour or more.

Pour oil into a two-quart pot until you have a depth of about 3 inches.
Heat the oil until about 375 degrees
(I don't use a thermometer; I just wait until it really bubbles up around a bit of dough).

On a floured board, roll dough out to 1/2 inch thickness.
Use a doughnut cutter to cut out doughnuts.

Fry doughnuts in hot oil until golden brown, turning once.
Remove from oil to drain on paper towels.
Combine the remaining 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and 1/2 cup sugar in a bowl.
Place warm doughnuts in sugar mixture and flip,
turning doughnut and shaking gently to coat.

 

Happy ASD to everyone, and God have mercy on our souls (and our bellies after those!)



Abrupt Changes

Thursday afternoon, I walked into my boss' office, and little did I know, but that barely 5 minutes later, I would quit and walk out of her office extremely angry.

Worst timing ever.

But you see, I think at the age where Im at, with the experience ve had at different times and jobs, Ive grown to learn alot about myself. My self-esteem has grown immeasurably. I know that I do my job right and well, and that I deserve to be treated with respect, as a human being. Which wasnt the case, for more than a year. So I finally stood up for myself and said that I had had enough. I deserve better than this. It was picking between money, and between my self-worth. And I picked my self-worth the exact mopment when I said I QUIT and walked out.

Am I worried? Yes. Definetly. But I am also confident in my skills and abilities, and finding a job, ANY job, shouldnt be that hard. I would honestly work at McD's flipping burgers rather than degrade myself. I feel in my heart and soul that I made the right choice. Now I have to have faith, pray, and trust.

Trust in Jeff to be strong. Trust in myself and the choices I make. Trust in the Lord that He will provide, and that everything will work out, even better, if I just listen to what He has to say. I am at peace with this decision.

If there was ever a prayer in song, it would be this

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

 

- M&S

Marriage and a prayer

Lord, please mold me into exactly the wife that my husband needs. Whatever that is, whoever she is, help me always make him understand how much I love him, let me always remember my love for him, let me be strong when he needs support, thankful and grateful for everything he brings to my life. Let us grow together to become better and holier people than we could ever have been on our own.  Let me be enough for him, and let him be enough for me, always. Amen.