Drawing out the demons

-Abortion

 

 

 

"Art is a wound turned into light."
 Georges Braque

Beautifying God's Word

I find myself empassioned lately to make beautiful (in my opinion anyways) things, and this project caught me out of nowhere. I was just cleaning my art room, and I saw that frame my friend had given me awhile back and I had still done nothing with, beside that old calendar I had kept because I eventually wanted to do something with it. Bam, recycling art project. Give in and let the creative juices flow, mon ami.

 

Winter is long

It seems this year that the winter is dragging on, both physchologically and in the real sense of the term. I blame the wacky warm spell we had in January that gave us all hope that spring would come early and warm chilled bones. I can apply that in both senses as well.

Lent has forced me to see things with a fresh new look. One of the things I sacrificed was Facebook, and I cant help to notice the day by day difference it has made. Ive harped against the evil of internet and how it sucks you in, but despite spouting good words, I was caught in it (again). I was on fb every day, multiple times a day. Especially with the fact that I am not currently employed (please pray for me, were getting kind of desperate), it was like a whirlpool that would suck me in and steal hours of time away from me. So I gave it up, and Im happy to report I havent gone back on my pledge.

I deleted the app on my phone so as to not have temptation right in my face, and for the first few days, I cannot tell you how many times I automatically opened the folder to open fb. It takes a couple seconds to kick in after fruitlesly looking for that blue square with the white F that I dont have it anymore. The very first day was like semi torture, to be honest. And ok, the second as well. I would think of something then think, that would make a great status. Eventually, that started to fade away, thank God. It was also a moment of realization that we are truly in a world of over sharing, over exposure, and complete misunderstanding as to what should be private and what shouldnt. I started to think more, philosophize more, rather than share. And the moment became more beautiful and intense.

For example, one night I was outside on my balcony. I had been there for a few minutes, doing what I was doing, and suddenly, these big giant flurries started to come down. It was the type of snow that seemed magical, so loud yet so empty of sound. I was the only one outside and I was shaken by the instant winter beauty that I was suddenly surrounded by. It was like, the silence and peace of my heart seemed to co-exist with nature and cause this mini tempest, like nature was creating this in response to what I was feeling. My first thought after staring for a few moments was, I have to post about this! But of course, I didnt. So I kept on watching, breathing, and kept that moment in my heart, just for me, like a little gift from God, un petit miracle, une petite merveille.

And that is just one out of a million little things that I suddenly payed more attention to. Ive been making more things, and seeing more people. Doing things Ive said I was going to do, when I said I was going to do it. Despit the shortage of income, life has been good.

Jeff and I have discussed and settled on a plan for the future. We both want to go back to school, and he has picked his program and when he is to start. I on the other hand, am still unsure what it is that I should be doing. I think that my impatience and, to be honest, jealousy/bitterness at not being with child (jealousy part because one of my closest friends is pregnant) is limiting what I should be feeling. Its hard for me to admit these negative feelings, because I work hard at trying to make people believe that everything is ok, everything is fine, when really I feel like Im being surrounded by a storm that just wont go away. Thankfully, those dark feelings only surge momentarily and are few in between. Accepting what is, changing what can be changed, and knowing the difference and what not. The light outshines the dark.

I am eager to see, when Easter comes about, how much more different life will be, or rather how my heart will have changed.

Mercy

Here I am a sinner broken and in need of You
Take my life and wash my fears away
For You are the 'Great I am', rest assured, I feel Your hand
Holding me until the darkness clears

A Father to the fatherless, redeemer of my soul
My Life is Yours forever, my heart will always know

Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole
Your mercy found me, called me as Your own

Here I stand a child of Yours broken and in need of You
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness, my weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head

You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say

Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole
Your mercy found me, called me as Your own
Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole, me whole
Your mercy found me, called me as Your own

You called me as Your own
You called me as Your own
Thank You for Your mercy
Thank You for Your mercy

- Mercy by the Counting Crowns

Starting the new year with love

I look back at 2012 as a year of difficulty. Job changes and twists and turns of all kinds seems to mark 2012 as a year full of hardships. If I had to pick three words to describe 2012 it would be anger, fear, and worry. Were there good moments? Absolutely.

Like my good friend becoming pregnant, something that she had wished for for so long. Like finding this appartment, which suits our needs so perfectly. Like celebrating our first year of marriage.

It just seems that the negative is clouding over the positive, and Ive decided to let it. Im aknowledging the negativity and black looming cloud that was 2012. And Im letting it go. I truly feel like there is nowhere to go but up, now. And I am basking in that feeling.

If there was one resolution I want to make, and keep, during 2013, its love. I want to fill myself with that feeling that love brings me when I give in to it. Because so often, we dont allow ourselves to surrender to love. But more and more I notice that love is at the core of it all. Peace cannot come without love. Happiness cannot come without love. Acceptance cannot come without love.

Love is at the centre of every good thing. And the only way to soothe hate and anger and bitterness, is with unfailing, unreserved, and boundary free love.

So in short, I want to give in to that love and let it fill my heart and soul. I realize I am no saint, I am certainly no Mother Teresa, but I can take the small actions of my life and put thought and effort and will into filling them with love. Like loving my husband, and my dogs. Loving my home. Loving others, both familiar and unfamiliar. Loving the earth, loving things small and large. Loving my God, who shows me nothing but love in return for nothing. And especially, learning and allowing myself to love myself.

And that is the hardest thing of them all.

A sign

You know how you always hear people ask God for a sign? Well Im no different, and have asked Him on multiple occasions for some sort of visible sign that I was doing it right. And to be completely honest, although I know it to be a childish and illogical thing to do, in moments of weakness Ive thought about my father and asked him for help/ a sign that he was still with me. Always, of course, the two of them never answered. Directly, anyways.

Yesterday, something happened that I dont even know how to explain. Too many things happened for it to be just a coincidence (of which I dont believe, anyways). I am going to write it down, because I need to share, but I understand how hard it is to believe, so free to you to make your decision on the validity of what I am writing.

So we decided to go see Life of Pi yesterday night. By we I mean J and I along with his younger brother and his girlfriend, and one of our friends. Weve been anticipating seeing that movie for awhile, but had never gotten around to it. So we 5 drove all the way to Kirkland. I remember the roads being what normally passes as Qc winter roads. I am alkways a bit nervous when driving, so I always tell my backseat passengers to make sure they wear their seatbelts. Anyways we got to the movie fine, and left the theatre around 12:15am.

A little sidenote at how incredible that movie was. Probably one of the most beautiful movies Ive ever seen, and so deeply moving. I highly reccommend it to anyone that needs a good thinker.

So we left the theatre, and noticed it had been and was still lightly snowing. It was Jeff's turn to drive. Not having lost anyone to road accidents, and never having been in an accident himself, Jeff is much more confident than I on the roads. To the point it makes me look like a nag because I always tell him to slow down, slow down, slow down. The entire journey home I felt so stressed, my back was rigid, and I kept seeing death everywhere. When he took that turn a bit too sharply, when he drifted a bit there, when oncoming cars seemed to not want to put on their breaks early enough. I'm usually mildly paranoid, but last night was worst then ever. My stomach kept feeling clenched, as if in readiness. During the drive I told the people in the back to make sure they had their seat belts on, three times. I kept telling Jeff to slow down, over and over again.

Then we got on the Mercier. I swear to you, to anyone who would hear me, that I knew I was going to die on that bridge. I looked at the waters and imagined what it would be like to plunge. It sounds macabre, but I have no other way to explain the state of mind I was in. My breathing was accelerated, I was squeezing Jeff's hand so hard he turned to me and told me to calm down. I knew something was going to happen, but I just couldn't explain it.

Then my muscles relaxed, my breathing slowed, and I let go. I said to God that if this was supposed to be the time that I/we were going to die, then there was nothing I could do about it, and that I thanked Him for what he had given me. And then, as we passed the left exit to go to Kahnawake, and took that sharp turn to get into Chateauguay, Jeff lost control of the car.

I don't remember exactly what happened to the car. All I remember is the car drifting, suddenly jolting to the right, right into the side barrier. We hit that with a bang, the force drove the car backwards into an almost 360. Then we were blocking the road, we were horizontal to its vertical sides. We were close enough to the bend that should a car have come, it wouldn't have had time to slow down, we would have gotten rammed with whatever speed they were going at. Jeff had to reverse and move forward twice before we could continue down the road.

Nobody in the car spoke. All we could hear was breathing. Harsh and frightened. Then we started to laugh. How did we survive that? How were there no other cars around us when we first lost control, when there were plenty when we came on the bridge? How did we not crash hard enough into the railing that our car be more damaged (the front bumper is completely cracked), or that the huge bank on the side toppled us over? And especially, how were there no cars to come behind us on the bend and hit us?

How was I thinking those thoughts exactly before the accident?

And just to prove a point already made it seemed, Die Young from Ke$ha comes on the radio. And then the three in the back admit that they hadn't been wearing their seat belts.

Now maybe I'm just seeing things, or I was thinking that due to tiredness, or I'm just exaggerating, I dint see it that way. Ive written it down exactly how I remember it, and I choose to take it as a sign. A sign of many things.

But especially, a sign of God's love and His benevolence. I, we, are alive.

Thank You Lord.

Trust Issues

A relationship must have absolute trust as one of its founding stones, that is something that most everyone would agree on. What trust means, what it entails, differs from couple to couple.

For example, I know a 'married' couple (I put married in quotations, because they were married using a pagan ceremony that isnt recognized as official) who are open to having multiple partners throughout their lives. In fact, the bride composed and sang a song to her groom about her blessing and accepting any future partners he would find. Every other couple has its own distinctions as to what is cheating, and what is acceptable.

I remember having this discussion with a bunch of girlfriends awhile back. It was the general consensus that touching was forbidden, but looking and talk/flirt was accepted. Because, and I quote, everybody does it.

Really?

You see, all this reflexion was brought upon by two people in my training class that I sit next to, and so hear everything they say. They are very obviously flirting with their words, their eyes, and their eyes, without ever touching. Which is fine, except for the fact that one of them is engaged. Now, far be it from me that I would ever express my discomfort with the way they act. I would never just saunter up to her, and say Hey! Is that attitude really appropriate for a soon to be married person? Or to him and say Hey! Would you be cool if some guy tried to woo your girlfriend knowing full well she was taken?

So I keep all my judgments to myself, and try to squash them, because really, who am I to judge you?

But at the same time, this has brought upon me a realization that my definition of <cheating> has changed. I now define cheating as anything I wouldnt do in front of J with a member of either sex. Words, glances, anything that I wouldnt do with J sitting right next to me, is something that has become innapropriate for me to do with anyone. Because, really, if I cant do it with him being right there, why would I do it at all? And vice versa of course.

The most important relationship in my life, apart from the one I have with God, is the one with my husband. It is up to me to keep the vows I said when I was married in every sense of the term, and never do anything that would break the sanctity of those vows. That doesnt mean never doing anything J doesnt want me to (were both extremely stubborn) but it means making sure I am the most trustworthy wife I could ever be, with my thoughts and actions and words.

Just another little nudge from God, I suppose. :)