Sunday, December 30, 2012

A sign

You know how you always hear people ask God for a sign? Well Im no different, and have asked Him on multiple occasions for some sort of visible sign that I was doing it right. And to be completely honest, although I know it to be a childish and illogical thing to do, in moments of weakness Ive thought about my father and asked him for help/ a sign that he was still with me. Always, of course, the two of them never answered. Directly, anyways.

Yesterday, something happened that I dont even know how to explain. Too many things happened for it to be just a coincidence (of which I dont believe, anyways). I am going to write it down, because I need to share, but I understand how hard it is to believe, so free to you to make your decision on the validity of what I am writing.

So we decided to go see Life of Pi yesterday night. By we I mean J and I along with his younger brother and his girlfriend, and one of our friends. Weve been anticipating seeing that movie for awhile, but had never gotten around to it. So we 5 drove all the way to Kirkland. I remember the roads being what normally passes as Qc winter roads. I am alkways a bit nervous when driving, so I always tell my backseat passengers to make sure they wear their seatbelts. Anyways we got to the movie fine, and left the theatre around 12:15am.

A little sidenote at how incredible that movie was. Probably one of the most beautiful movies Ive ever seen, and so deeply moving. I highly reccommend it to anyone that needs a good thinker.

So we left the theatre, and noticed it had been and was still lightly snowing. It was Jeff's turn to drive. Not having lost anyone to road accidents, and never having been in an accident himself, Jeff is much more confident than I on the roads. To the point it makes me look like a nag because I always tell him to slow down, slow down, slow down. The entire journey home I felt so stressed, my back was rigid, and I kept seeing death everywhere. When he took that turn a bit too sharply, when he drifted a bit there, when oncoming cars seemed to not want to put on their breaks early enough. I'm usually mildly paranoid, but last night was worst then ever. My stomach kept feeling clenched, as if in readiness. During the drive I told the people in the back to make sure they had their seat belts on, three times. I kept telling Jeff to slow down, over and over again.

Then we got on the Mercier. I swear to you, to anyone who would hear me, that I knew I was going to die on that bridge. I looked at the waters and imagined what it would be like to plunge. It sounds macabre, but I have no other way to explain the state of mind I was in. My breathing was accelerated, I was squeezing Jeff's hand so hard he turned to me and told me to calm down. I knew something was going to happen, but I just couldn't explain it.

Then my muscles relaxed, my breathing slowed, and I let go. I said to God that if this was supposed to be the time that I/we were going to die, then there was nothing I could do about it, and that I thanked Him for what he had given me. And then, as we passed the left exit to go to Kahnawake, and took that sharp turn to get into Chateauguay, Jeff lost control of the car.

I don't remember exactly what happened to the car. All I remember is the car drifting, suddenly jolting to the right, right into the side barrier. We hit that with a bang, the force drove the car backwards into an almost 360. Then we were blocking the road, we were horizontal to its vertical sides. We were close enough to the bend that should a car have come, it wouldn't have had time to slow down, we would have gotten rammed with whatever speed they were going at. Jeff had to reverse and move forward twice before we could continue down the road.

Nobody in the car spoke. All we could hear was breathing. Harsh and frightened. Then we started to laugh. How did we survive that? How were there no other cars around us when we first lost control, when there were plenty when we came on the bridge? How did we not crash hard enough into the railing that our car be more damaged (the front bumper is completely cracked), or that the huge bank on the side toppled us over? And especially, how were there no cars to come behind us on the bend and hit us?

How was I thinking those thoughts exactly before the accident?

And just to prove a point already made it seemed, Die Young from Ke$ha comes on the radio. And then the three in the back admit that they hadn't been wearing their seat belts.

Now maybe I'm just seeing things, or I was thinking that due to tiredness, or I'm just exaggerating, I dint see it that way. Ive written it down exactly how I remember it, and I choose to take it as a sign. A sign of many things.

But especially, a sign of God's love and His benevolence. I, we, are alive.

Thank You Lord.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Trust Issues

A relationship must have absolute trust as one of its founding stones, that is something that most everyone would agree on. What trust means, what it entails, differs from couple to couple.

For example, I know a 'married' couple (I put married in quotations, because they were married using a pagan ceremony that isnt recognized as official) who are open to having multiple partners throughout their lives. In fact, the bride composed and sang a song to her groom about her blessing and accepting any future partners he would find. Every other couple has its own distinctions as to what is cheating, and what is acceptable.

I remember having this discussion with a bunch of girlfriends awhile back. It was the general consensus that touching was forbidden, but looking and talk/flirt was accepted. Because, and I quote, everybody does it.


You see, all this reflexion was brought upon by two people in my training class that I sit next to, and so hear everything they say. They are very obviously flirting with their words, their eyes, and their eyes, without ever touching. Which is fine, except for the fact that one of them is engaged. Now, far be it from me that I would ever express my discomfort with the way they act. I would never just saunter up to her, and say Hey! Is that attitude really appropriate for a soon to be married person? Or to him and say Hey! Would you be cool if some guy tried to woo your girlfriend knowing full well she was taken?

So I keep all my judgments to myself, and try to squash them, because really, who am I to judge you?

But at the same time, this has brought upon me a realization that my definition of <cheating> has changed. I now define cheating as anything I wouldnt do in front of J with a member of either sex. Words, glances, anything that I wouldnt do with J sitting right next to me, is something that has become innapropriate for me to do with anyone. Because, really, if I cant do it with him being right there, why would I do it at all? And vice versa of course.

The most important relationship in my life, apart from the one I have with God, is the one with my husband. It is up to me to keep the vows I said when I was married in every sense of the term, and never do anything that would break the sanctity of those vows. That doesnt mean never doing anything J doesnt want me to (were both extremely stubborn) but it means making sure I am the most trustworthy wife I could ever be, with my thoughts and actions and words.

Just another little nudge from God, I suppose. :)