It seems this year that the winter is dragging on, both physchologically and in the real sense of the term. I blame the wacky warm spell we had in January that gave us all hope that spring would come early and warm chilled bones. I can apply that in both senses as well.
Lent has forced me to see things with a fresh new look. One of the things I sacrificed was Facebook, and I cant help to notice the day by day difference it has made. Ive harped against the evil of internet and how it sucks you in, but despite spouting good words, I was caught in it (again). I was on fb every day, multiple times a day. Especially with the fact that I am not currently employed (please pray for me, were getting kind of desperate), it was like a whirlpool that would suck me in and steal hours of time away from me. So I gave it up, and Im happy to report I havent gone back on my pledge.
I deleted the app on my phone so as to not have temptation right in my face, and for the first few days, I cannot tell you how many times I automatically opened the folder to open fb. It takes a couple seconds to kick in after fruitlesly looking for that blue square with the white F that I dont have it anymore. The very first day was like semi torture, to be honest. And ok, the second as well. I would think of something then think, that would make a great status. Eventually, that started to fade away, thank God. It was also a moment of realization that we are truly in a world of over sharing, over exposure, and complete misunderstanding as to what should be private and what shouldnt. I started to think more, philosophize more, rather than share. And the moment became more beautiful and intense.
For example, one night I was outside on my balcony. I had been there for a few minutes, doing what I was doing, and suddenly, these big giant flurries started to come down. It was the type of snow that seemed magical, so loud yet so empty of sound. I was the only one outside and I was shaken by the instant winter beauty that I was suddenly surrounded by. It was like, the silence and peace of my heart seemed to co-exist with nature and cause this mini tempest, like nature was creating this in response to what I was feeling. My first thought after staring for a few moments was, I have to post about this! But of course, I didnt. So I kept on watching, breathing, and kept that moment in my heart, just for me, like a little gift from God, un petit miracle, une petite merveille.
And that is just one out of a million little things that I suddenly payed more attention to. Ive been making more things, and seeing more people. Doing things Ive said I was going to do, when I said I was going to do it. Despit the shortage of income, life has been good.
Jeff and I have discussed and settled on a plan for the future. We both want to go back to school, and he has picked his program and when he is to start. I on the other hand, am still unsure what it is that I should be doing. I think that my impatience and, to be honest, jealousy/bitterness at not being with child (jealousy part because one of my closest friends is pregnant) is limiting what I should be feeling. Its hard for me to admit these negative feelings, because I work hard at trying to make people believe that everything is ok, everything is fine, when really I feel like Im being surrounded by a storm that just wont go away. Thankfully, those dark feelings only surge momentarily and are few in between. Accepting what is, changing what can be changed, and knowing the difference and what not. The light outshines the dark.
I am eager to see, when Easter comes about, how much more different life will be, or rather how my heart will have changed.