Ive been sitting here listening to Yann Tiersen's compositions, most especially the ones from the movie Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain, and his type of music has always brought me to reflection. I posted a blog a couple of weeks ago on how I feel torn between two different types of personalities, the rebellious vs the homemaker, and I have been thinking and thinking about what it is that I want from my life.
I couldn't put my head to rest on the subject, and the idea of one day being old and dying with tons of regret about things I should have done and didn't do was frankly tormenting me. I wanted two different things from life, and I simply couldn't have them both. I cannot raise my children myself while building houses in Africa, for example. I just couldn't settle on anything, and it was making me nervous and disatisfied with life in general, which is an awful combination.
So it was nice when my friend Amy pointed out that there is a time for everything. Those six words halted my whirwind, because they are so true. I cannot be everything at once, and to attempt to do so would end up with me having a burn-out and being hospitalized in a psyciatric unit, Im sure. There is a time for everything. And the more I meditate on that, the more I realize that my complete shift into homemaker will be coming very soon. This doesn't mean that I won't be rebellious, in my own way. But the time to participate in angry rallies and having my energy focused on bringing on a change in the world is coming to a close, for a time. I feel myself become closer to Him and to the traditional role of a woman within a home and family hierarchy, as much as that shocks so many people who know me.
I think a catalyst within my timeline is the fact that I am finishing school this June/July. My life in general has literally been at a standstill because of school, and the time and effort I have had to dedicate to finishing this part of my life. Two years and a half of my life monopolized by this, and for what? For a piece of paper that signifies that I was able to answer correctly a test. Yes, there is a fair bit of bitterness associated to school within my mind, I won't hide it. But with the coming of the end coupled with the summer months off from work (I work at a primary school), that more than anything makes me feel like the end of rebellious Cyn is coming.
So I have been thinking that those two months will be the time to do what I want to do, before moving on to other things. Two things have come out to me that I wish to do more than anything else. One would be an extended silent retreat within a cloistered place. There are a couple of options oppened for this but I haven't done extensive research on where and what is available for this. The next thing I would love to do is volunteer through the Red Cross or another charitable organization and go work and help out people in Haiti, or another devastated place. This is a little more iffy, primarily because of my health issues. Its no secret that I am in no great shape and I wont help anyone by dying down South. But everything is still in the air.
There is a time for everything. And soon it won't be time to be rebellious me. But it doesn't mean I will lose myself. Rather the opposite, I should think.