Ups and Down

Im warning you, this blog is going to sound weird, and probably bipolar to boot.

But my mood has been really down lately. Lately being as of Monday night to be precise. Here is why: This wedding is stressing me out, and I’ve still got over a year to go. It hasn’t got anything to do with Jeff, or with being stressed by how I will look, how it will look, or anything like that. I am terrified of mixing my mother’s side and Jeff’s family. Just thinking about it is giving me the shivers.

I don’t know how I will make everyone happy, how people will get along, how anything will happen. I knew when I started going out with Jeff that this was going to be difficult, which is why we kept it secret for the first month of our relationship. Jeff and I were basically raised in the old mentality, French vs. Mohawk, Mohawk vs. French. I was never allowed to go into Kahnawake and Jeff was strongly discouraged to have French friends. We were both brought up with our parents and families having strong negative opinions about the opposing side, and it’s a mystery how Jeff and I actually got together in the first place. All that to say our families have very little chance to actually coming together in joy. They met once, when we moved out to our first apartment. Tension was already in the air because of a fight that we had had with Jeff’s mother kicking us out when I was very sick. Feathers were ruffled, and intense dislike was in the air. My mother actually almost fought with Jeff’s grandmother, and I believe that the only reason why they didn’t is because I came into the room. The move took all of two hours. How am I supposed to believe that everyone will be able to put aside years of violent history and hatred to come together in some beautiful fairy-tale wedding story? How am I supposed to make sure no one will fight and ruin what’s supposed to be a day filled with joy and peace and love? Both sides are looking at us like were crazy trying to plan something which can only be disastrous; and some are more reluctant than others. Jeff’s mother actually suggested she would pay for the whole wedding if we just eloped somewhere alone. And I'm supposed to believe that I will be able to bring them together for a whole day? Don’t even get me started on how I'm stressing over what will happen when Jeff and I will have children...

All that to give some history as to why I've been devoting time to try to find some sort of thing for the wedding that would possibly bring some cohesiveness to the three families. And I had thought I had found a low budget, super idea which I read off of some internet website or other. Basically, everyone likes to bake, and everyone has some dessert they are ‘the best’ at. So I thought why not make a dessert bar, where Jeff’s grandmother could make her date squares, or my mother could make poudding chomeur, or my cousin make baklava? With cute little insignia which would say who had made what, it would be sure to create conversation, with people comparing or asking for recipes. Hope makes you stupid. It made me stupid enough to actually believe in this enough to tell my mother, who immediately shot down my idea. ‘Why the hell would I ask anyone else how to bake something I know very well how to make? If you think I'm going to go to your wedding and make desserts you’re out of your mind’.  Ouch.

So since then, I've been stumped. I'm feeling low. I'm starting to consider Jeff’s mother’s proposition even though it is the furthest thing from what I want. I don’t know how this is going to work out. People tell me, who cares about others you shouldn’t care about what anyone else thinks, but I can’t do that. This is my family. That is his family. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera. Next episode on the Cynthia’s Life Show, how Cynthia is dealing with her issues about walking up the aisle without her biological father. Ugh.