Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Still Angry

' Really, when you bury a child— or when you just simply get up every day and live life raw—you murmur the question soundlessly. No one hears. Can there be a good God? A God who graces with good gifts when a crib lies empty through long nights, and bugs burrow through coffins? Where is God, really? How can He be good when babies die, and marriages implode, and dreams blow away, dust in the wind?  Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away? Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out? '

What would he say about all this?

I long to be lost in my faith where I know without a doubt. Those people seem so.. at peace.
Fact: When I was walking up the aisle, I cried my soul out. Of course, part of it was that I was marrying the man that I love and whole loves me (figure that out, if you will), and part was just a surge of emotions. But part of it was also my childish self-pity that the man walking me up (although I love him very much) was not my father. You know, Im pretty sure He's pissed off at me for being so silly and ungrateful, and still being reluctant to give it all up, so to speak. Im pretty sure He's shaking His Head, and going 'Look around you, see what you have, and be content for once!' ... but how else can I feel? And furthermore when will this doubt stop? Will it ever stop? Will I always doubt myself and everything around me?
Wow. I feel like this author summed up in a few phrases my (and I suspect many others) biggest torment in life face to faith, of any kind and for anything. Yes, I am still angry about the death of my father, ridiculously so. Yes, I still, in my moments of intense doubt and dark, blame God for being such an asshole and wonder what the hell I am doing praying to Him that took him away. How am I to trust and love and praise when I don't know when the next coup-de-grace will be? When there is so much to lose?

1 comment:

  1. Aw hunnie I can't say much on the religious aspect- but I cried my eyes out when you walked down the aisle too. So beautiful, so grown up, so strong. And we saw the rainbow in the sky, your father was definetly there with you on that day.

    And I saw how you danced with your stepfather with your bouqet (and charm)for your father/daughter dance - and once again I bawled my eyes out. (honestly, not everyone 'got it' so they must have thought I was emotionally irrational) but I thought that it was so beautiful.

    I'm sure that each day your father is smiling down at you, not wanting you to be sad for him- because he's within you. Awaiting your next chance to see each other. But he's always there.

    If he's half as stubborn as you (which I'm sure of) he'd want you to dry your tears and go on with your life- because he's in a beautiful place. Sitting back and watching your life unfold.

    Love you :) xo Serena