|What would he say about all this?|
I long to be lost in my faith where I know without a doubt. Those people seem so.. at peace.
Fact: When I was walking up the aisle, I cried my soul out. Of course, part of it was that I was marrying the man that I love and whole loves me (figure that out, if you will), and part was just a surge of emotions. But part of it was also my childish self-pity that the man walking me up (although I love him very much) was not my father. You know, Im pretty sure He's pissed off at me for being so silly and ungrateful, and still being reluctant to give it all up, so to speak. Im pretty sure He's shaking His Head, and going 'Look around you, see what you have, and be content for once!' ... but how else can I feel? And furthermore when will this doubt stop? Will it ever stop? Will I always doubt myself and everything around me?
Wow. I feel like this author summed up in a few phrases my (and I suspect many others) biggest torment in life face to faith, of any kind and for anything. Yes, I am still angry about the death of my father, ridiculously so. Yes, I still, in my moments of intense doubt and dark, blame God for being such an asshole and wonder what the hell I am doing praying to Him that took him away. How am I to trust and love and praise when I don't know when the next coup-de-grace will be? When there is so much to lose?